I was looking at sex toys on aliexpress (like you do) and it suggested I get a 45cm (17″) Black Tourmaline Hexagonal Obelisk. I don’t think that’s a good idea
FINALLY, WE CAN TENTACLIZE THE CLOUDS THEMSELVES!
and now I found the “realistic torture/execution devices for dolls” section.
aliexpress is seriously the best place to look at sex toys because they can’t show nudity so they have to finding other ways to show off the use of the toys.
This results in a LOT of abused food, which is always hilarious.
that’s not what I was searching for and frankly at this point I can’t really remember what I was searching for
oh baby, slide into my chrysanthemum for some novel gameplay!
one of my favorite things is when they decide to give you the whole hard sell.
instead of just being like “hey this is a good sex toy”, they instead try to explain why you’d even need a sex toy, from first principles. and that principle is usually “your boyfriend/husband sucks”. or doesn’t, I guess.
they always end up looking like a r/wheredidthesodago commercial for lesbianism
so the sound of this sex toy is between a flower and a clock!
wait, a flower? do… do flowers make sounds?
I’ve posted about the Hammer Sex Toy before, but it turns out it’s not alone. There’s also…
THE WRENCH!
now that is a fucking slogan
one of my favorite things is that when they’re showing off that sex toys have a bluetooth+internet thing so people can control them remotely, they always show a world map and two points labeled with city names and they’re ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE NEAR THE ACTUAL CITIES.
sex toy or vulcan starship?
OH MEHR SPIELMÖGLICHKEITEN!
this will give you the biggest orgasm of your life, but your mother will die. Oh well, there’s other parents.
In the quiet night all you can hear is your rapid breathing
Couldn’t resist the urge to calligraph this.
nice! I knew it felt like a poem. now it looks like one too!
Word to the wise y’all. Don’t wear a butt plug to your MRI
Don’t wear a chastity device to one either. Even if it’s a silicone/resin cage, the locking mechanism is still metal, it WILL try to yank that thang asunder. The GOODEST boys are the ones who DON’T risk damaging their body and a $1.2million machine.
There’s no way on earth anyone has to be told this I’m hallucinating this post there’s just no way
listen hobbit pussy could be mediocre (doubtful) but even if it was it’s still followed by a 17 course homecooked meal and the kind of weed that would make sauron scared. lithe beautiful immortal elven pussy has no power compared to the simple, hardworking hobbit. and it goes without saying that you cannot handle dwarven pussy.
you know her bush is adorned with elaborate braids representing a long family tradition of training a grip that could deglove your member if she so chose
dwarf pussy could shuck your foreskin off like a corn husk
it’s difficult to be a dom with anarchist leanings.
my sub will be like “i have to tell you something… i broke a rule. i’ll accept whatever punishment you see fit.” and i’m like. rise up comrade you have nothing to lose but your padded restraints. no doms no masters. oh you want me to spank you. yeah i can do that.
As someone who has organized a gangbang, it is SO HARD to Wrangle People towards the sexy parts and away from the crafted table of snacks which just so happens to be in front of your book shelf and OMG you have THIS gaming System?? That was Kickstarter exclusive! Like, no. Stop. Please return the game book to the shelf and remove your clothes. Please?
The best sex party I ever went to nearly stopped because someone taped a sheet to the back of sliding glass windows and were using dry erase markers to make diagrams. A bunch of math and physics PhD’s were helping a chemistry phd with a thorny problem and they cheered when they solved it. A board game night broke out and it was really hard to pry people away from the games, science and snacks for sex so someone put up a pole in the living room and four women started pole dancing while shouting instructions to the scientists and board game nerds.
Epic party, I think I shagged 8 women that night and I won a card game.
Uh oh bestie. Turns out, if you want the rewards of being pillow princess, you have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of telling the service top what you want 😔
Girl, I think you’re lost. This is a lesbian sex blog.
Don't give up. Unless you have to for a little while. Then don't panic. CONTAINS: Star Trek, Dungeons and Dragons, Critical Role, History, Current Affairs, Space, Cats, and Etc. Adult.
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