There may or may not be a method to this madness.

knightposting:

Cleric: I am a conduit between the gods and the mortal plane, I wield divine magic in service of my god. I shall cure your wounds and smite our enemies 

paladins: I HAVE BURNING DESIRE TO STAB EVIL, AN INTENSE LOVE OF MY FRIENDS, AND NO IDEA HOW TO DO THINGS WITHOUT 100 PERCENT INTENSITY. FUCK WITH ME

battlecrazed-axe-mage:

warlockzhara:

D&D is a wild experience when you’re invested, you’re simultaneously playing a game, creating a narrative, and become a fandom??? so you and your friends can talk for hours about your characters and theories while guarding character secrets to not spoil anything and then think ‘i can’t wait for the next episode’, while knowing you’ll actually be collaboratively generating content, but are still like ‘i cant believe my dumbass child did that’

My absolute favorite is when a character just does something that surprises me like (most recently) huh, okay, you’re into the cute captain of the guard? Okay girl I gotchu, will relay that to the DM and see if we can’t get something going

(via queerwonder)

youareanexperience:

gm-and-dm-ideas:

When your players try to seduce every character they meet

every single bard:

(via geardrops)

otherwindow:

fingersareoptional:

otherwindow:

otherwindow:

Bards are just mages who don’t shut up.

Rogues are just slutty knights.

What about alchemists?

Chefs without boundaries.

(via dungeonmastersconsortium)

The broom with a view

yourplayersaidwhat:

Context: ¼ CR is giving us the hardest battle I’ve ever encountered. Two players are down.

Player1: I grapple the broom! (Success)

Player2: I pull out my rope and tie her and the broom together! (Success)

DM: The broom tries to break out of the rope.. no dice.

Player1: I seduce the broom.

DM: You what?

Player1: NAT. T W E N T Y.

DM: …. *hangs head* nat one. You seduce the **** out of that broom. The broom goes limp and becomes an inanimate object. I hate you guys and you now have a fine broom that can fly 10ft elevation at 20ft fly speed.

Player3: WILL SOMEONE STABILIZE ME?!

(via yourplayersaidwhat)

scanlan:

enemy npc, about to kill the party’s bard: any last words?

bard: hold up. hold up just hold on a second.

enemy npc: what?

bard: you’re going to kill me with THAT stance? that arm positioning?

enemy npc: …yes?

bard: at least let me die with dignity! your form is terrible, and you look like you’ve never seen a sword before, much less USE one.

enemy npc, seething: HOW DARE YOU INSUL-

bard: please. please, i beg of you. my soul will know no peace if i die by such an amateur. hand me your sword so i can provide an example of how to do it correctly.

the party, in the back, in disbelief: holy Shit

the dm, in their head: this fucking dude

enemy npc: ex..cuse me?

bard: let me so you the proper form to hold that sword, and i will let you kill me. it’s all that i ask. it’s such a simple request, and it will benefit you greatly in both your technique and the fact that i will be dead.

the dm: Yeah Im Uh, Gonna Need You To Roll Persuasion

bard, ooc: *rolls* alright, i rolled a 19

the dm: hhhhmmmmm :/ okay, i dont think-

bard, ooc: PLUS my persuasion proficiency modifier so…30 :D

the dm: …D u d e.

bard, ooc: :DDD

the dm: they look at you for a moment, sigh, and then hand out their sword for you to grab, and say “fine. make it quick.”

bard, ooc: i say “thank you very much! now, the best way to do it…is…like this!” and i lunge at them and kill them with their own sword.

the dm: aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCKING!

the party: *loud, raucous cheering*

the dm: ROLL ATTACK WITH ADVANTAGE BECAUSE THEY LET THEIR GUARD DOWN I G U E S S

bard, ooc: *rolls*

bard, ooc:

bard, ooc: :D

the dm: you Didn’t

bard, ooc: natural 20 :DDD

the party: *just Screaming*

the dm: i dont. i don’t even need you to roll damage, just…

the dm: how do you wanna do this?

the party: *even louder, raucous cheering and screaming. the rogue has to lean onto the barbarian so he doesn’t fall over from laughter. the druid DOES fall over and that makes the fighter laugh louder. the dm has his face in his hands and is groaning about an hour long boss fight being cut down to two minutes because he just HAD to make the boss a dramatic perfectionist. the cleric in character has to use the inspiration the bard gave her earlier so that she doesn’t break concentration on a spell from laughing too hard. the bard is later found dead in miami.*

(via pike-the-monstah)

a-really-bad-decision:

I can’t believe they lost a surprise round because they were interrogating a party member about their backstory what a d&d mood

(via pike-the-monstah)

Let Sleeping Dragons Lie

yourplayersaidwhat:

Context: My group, against all of the warnings our DM gave us, ventured into a dragon’s den, and find it lying on a mountain of treasure.

Rogue: Check to see if it’s asleep.
DM: (rolling a die) Roll insight or perception, whichever is higher.
Rogue: Insight?? (rolls) 12.
DM: It seems to be asleep.
Rogue: Cool, i run up to it and snatch some treasure.
DM: (waits a moment, then continues.) Ooookay. Roll for DEX save.
Everyone: OH SHIT
Rogue: FUCK (rolls a 3) DOUBLE FUCK
DM: The dragon’s eyes snap open. It lunges forward and bites you in its jaws, lifting you high into the air. You are dealt 20 points of damage.
Rogue: That’s it??
DM: The dragon’s throat glows and it blasts you four times with dragon fire, at point blank range. You are dealt 132 points of damage. Your torso is now a charred husk, and what’s left of you falls to the ground with a soft thud as the dragon snorts and turns toward the rest of the party. Everybody roll initiative.

Ranger: No other way to put it guys, we done fucked up

(via yourplayersaidwhat)