allofthefeelings:

deadcatwithaflamethrower:

theriomancer:

msmoon:

normal-horoscopes:

swordlesbianism:

grednforgesgirl:

swordlesbianism:

swordlesbianism:

swordlesbianism:

swordlesbianism:

swordlesbianism:

Does necromancy only work on animals? What do you do if you accidentally necromancy a fence and then it starts growing branches?

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU NECROMANCY A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO AND IT TURNS INTO AN ENTIRE PILE OF LIMES?

What if I accidentally necromancy a vaccine and then someone gets an armful of very live pathogen?

WHAT’S THE LIMIT ON DEADNESS? HOW RECENTLY DOES SOMETHING HAVE TO BE DEAD? COULD I NECROMANCY A DINOSAUR FOSSIL? WHAT IF I NECROMANCIED THE GROUND AND THEN DINOSAURS STARTED APPEARING?

WHAT IF I NECROMANCIED A LIMESTONE WALL AND IT JUST TURNED INTO A PILE OF MOLLUSCS? WHAT IF I MOLLUSCED A BUILDING? A MOUNTAIN?

Hey OP are you okay

no

NECROMANCY DOES WORK ON ANIMALS BUT AS RULE OF THUMB BIGGER ONES TAKE MORE ENERGY WHILE SMALLER ONES TAKE MORE PRESCISION THE HAPPY MEDIUM ENDS UP WITH LARGE DOGS BEING EASIEST

PLANT CELLS GENERALLY DO NOT RESPOND TO NECROMANCY AND REQUIRE A DIFFERENT FORM OF MAGIC TO MANIPULATE BUT THERE ARE A FEW WEIRDOS THAT PRACTICE NECROFORLOMANCY

SHAMPOO HAS LIKELY UNDERGONE TOO MANY INDUSTRIAL PROCESSES TO BE MAGIC REACTIVE ANYMORE

NECROMANCING INDIVIDUAL BACTERIA WOULD TAKE AN INHUMAN AMOUNT OF CONTROL

SAME CONCEPT WITH DINOSAUR SKELETONS THEY HAVE BEEN DEAD SO LONG REANIMATING THEM WOULD TAKE SO MUCH ENERGY YOURE HONESTLY BETTER OFF TRYING TO JUST RIP A HOLE IN SPACETIME AND HOPING A T REX FALLS THROUGH

SIMILARLY WITH LIMESTONE YOU WOULD HAVE TO REANIMATE EACH MOLLUSK INDIVIDUALLY

I HOPE THIS HELPS ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS

A helpful discussion on Necromancy.

Thank you necromancer side of tumblr

And now I wanna read about the world’s most patient, stubborn-ass archeologist necromancer, slowly reanimating an archaeopterix to find out if it can fly like a magpie or if it’s more like a chicken.

This entire post doubles as a fantastic list of Pushing Daisies fic prompts.

(via allofthefeelings)

nudityandnerdery:

battlecrazed-axe-mage:

insufficientlykinglike:

gothvegas:

ollies-outies:

siderealsandman:

abadmeanmess:

siderealsandman:

davefunkadelic:

siderealsandman:

the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon

like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that

Counterpoint, my good man:

Dragons fuck

Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.

Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny

Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPER horny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano! 

There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair! 

Seriously!!! 

I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting 

triple-counterpoint:

you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post

OP is right and they should say it

Actually… 

As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs. 

Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and 

fuck the dragon. 

I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so

Also, look- a dragon can go fuck whatever it wants, right?

But how many of those planetars or giants or whatever are then gonna head off and compose a majestic and memorable canticle about how great that dragon was in the sack?

pomrania asked: So your campaigns involve destroying cults; in my game, "dark elves" are an elf subrace and "drow" are elves who are part of the Spider Queen's cult, with a large presence in the Underdark. Would you be willing to talk some about cult stuff, in the context of them being bad guys in D&D?

criticalrolo:

Sure! The angle that I come at cults in dnd is usually structuring them almost like a pyramid scheme - you’ve got a large base of fanatical followers who really commit to the Cult with every fiber of their being, and they’re led by a small group of (usually charismatic) leaders that are reaping the REAL benefits of the cult. These leaders are usually strong believers as well, but they’re the ones that like, the gods are actually talking to or who are making a fuck ton of money off the followers or anything like that. 

When you’re building a cult for dnd, I would recommend having Tiers of followers. 

• Low level: fanatical followers, worship both the god and the ground the charismatic leader(s) walk on, usually can be convinced to do whatever the leaders say. If you want to mix it up, you could have the party find one of the stragglers that has less faith and is basically being left behind by the cult if they’ve decided to cut their losses trying to bring them back into the fold or something. You’re going to have more fanatics, but also the people whose faith wavers in this tier. Have your cult followers performing rituals to keep them reminded how devoted they are to their cult on a daily basis!
  
• Mid level: Mid tier leaders, probably local priests with a decent paycheck of some kind from The Cult Leader. These people probably aren’t going to be persuaded to leave, since they’re reaping tangible rewards from being in the cult. You’re more likely to find stragglers in the low levels. These people are going to be charismatic, and devoted to their god/being/whatever out of their own self-interest as well as out of faith. They’ll also have a firm hold over the minds of their low-level followers, so they’ll probably be able to convince them to do a lot of things that they wouldn’t do otherwise. (Think like, Melisandre over Stannis Baratheon.) It would take a LOT to shake these guys from their faith.
• High level: The Cult Leader - could be the Actual God or the top level prophet of the god or something like that. This is your Final Boss, and they’re not dropping their cult leader status for ANYTHING. They’ve got complete control over the minds of the people in their following, they’re VERY charismatic and power hungry and will do anything to keep a hold over their followers, who are their power source (whether that’s literally, financially, metaphorically, it doesn’t matter, they feel they NEED to keep a hold of these people). Your party could certainly TRY to convince this person to just stop… but it takes a lot of commitment to build up a real cult with truly devoted followers, so it is incredibly unlikely.

sister-ryder:

“don’t split the party” is DM propaganda to prevent having to describe three simultaneous scenes and spend ten minutes figuring out the timeline, no this was before your conversation with him, she’s not even in the room yet!

(via criticalrolo)

lizardsister:

lizardsister:

lizardsister:

the princess bride is exactly what a dnd campaign would look like as a movie like? the delightfully weird cast of characters with their own quirks, the strange pacing and narrative that still Works, the absolute absurdity of it all, the jumping back and forth between wanting to be serious and it being really funny, hell its even Told like a dnd story through the use of the grandfather being the one telling the story

what a fantastic fucking movie

also like the character backstories are SUCH dnd backgrounds like? “im out for revenge for my father who was killed by a guy with six fingers on one of his hands” “i bumped into a band of pirates and their leader liked me so much he ended up having me take on his title to retire”

that is the Exact shit that people come up with for dnd characters

DM: having narrowly escaped Humperdinck, you find yourselves in the dangerous Fire Swamps

Westley: do I know anything about this area? Any danger?

DM: roll a history check

Westley: 15

DM: you know of rumors of giant rats in the swamps, as well as quick sand

Westley: what do I know about the giant rats?

DM: roll nature

Westley: [nat 1] …… rodents of unusual size? I don’t think they exist

DM: hey what’s your passive perception-

(via criticalrolo)

morkaischosen:

prokopetz:

cpt-bagel:

prokopetz:

As a piano nerd, allow me to reassure you that the reason that many Classical keyboard compositions sound terrible to you isn’t because you lack the background to properly appreciate them. I mean, you do lack the background to properly appreciate them, but they’re also objectively terrible, and the fact that you need the proper background to understand them is big part of why they’re terrible. They’re so preoccupied with demonstrating the technical skill of the performer that they totally forgot about actually sounding good, producing pieces that are comprehensible only to other keyboardists. And even we don’t really enjoy them – we just play them to torture ourselves, because all serious keyboardists are also masochists.

all I’m hearing is that rolling dexterity for perform (piano) checks is valid.

Associated ability scores for Perform (piano) checks by era:

• Baroque: Dexterity
• Classical: Intelligence
• Romantic: Constitution
  

#performing modernist music isn’t an ability check at all#you just start making death saving throws#if you don’t get three successes before three failures the ghost of sergei rachmaninov annihilates you with his big meaty claws

(via criticalrolo)

Good-aligned D&D character who worships an Evil-aligned deity

pomrania:

I don’t come across this too often, which is a shame because I enjoy it.

There’s a few main ways I can think of that this could happen.

Character worships the neutral-to-benevolent aspect of a mostly-malevolent deity

So like, a god of wildfires – uncontrolled destructive power, killing and ruining without a care for consequences – could also represent the destruction that allows for new growth, or a goddess of assassins – the quick and precise blade that silently ends a life – might easily also be the patron of surgeons, who use their knives and knowledge of anatomy to incise diseased flesh and promote health.

If you think that something can’t have a positive aspect, either you’re dealing with a deity whose sphere of influence is way too limited, or you just need to be more imaginative.

Character worships to ward off the deity’s influence

From what I’ve gathered, this was how a lot of things went, historically. You sacrifice to the powers of drought and famine so that they would be satisfied with your offering and not bring a drought; you offer your praises and devotion to the god of illness in exchange for a cure.

This is fun because you can have a character who fears and/or hates their deity, but keeps going, to protect themself and others.

Character is a dumbass / ignorant

I mean, this would also include people who aren’t dumbasses but have had their deity’s true nature concealed from them (but that’s not as fun to say). Think like, 90% of the people who join IRL cults; they don’t KNOW that it’s a cult, not at first at least.

Another thing this includes is somebody who was raised in the faith, and shielded from the more negative aspects; it could be their family, or it could be like a region-wide thing.

Those are the reasonable options, with plenty of openings for realization and drama. But like, if you’re already playing a character with negative Wisdom and Intelligence modifiers, it’d just be plain FUN to have your Lawful Good paladin smite demons in the name of a Chaotic Evil deity of murder and suffering, solely because she doesn’t know better and nobody’s had the heart to tell her.

(via criticalrolo)

GOTTA GO FAST (the saga of turbomonk)

lachrymosade:

welcome to lachrymosade’s nerdy-ass RPG math class, please take a seat. we’ll start with multiplication and addition because i don’t need the negativity of division or subtraction in my life right now

suppose a level 20 tabaxi monk and a level 20 gnome wizard decide to see how freakin’ banana-bonkers fast they can get to their favorite tavern, which is a few miles away.

‘hey,’ says the monk, ‘i’ve got these neat boots that make me really fast, i should use those.’

‘tight,’ says the wizard, ‘wanna see how many times i can cast haste on you before we both die?’

‘hell to the yes,’ says the monk.

thus begins their adventure (and ours) into: the critical magical green adventure hill zone

Keep reading

(via criticalrolo)