There may or may not be a method to this madness.

“It’s Practically Unbreakable.”

solarcat:

yourplayersaidwhat:

I once had a DM who used to hate giving us any kind of wealth, or loot, or even letting us level because he was afraid of us getting “too powerful”. Literally, every mob we killed or reward we earned was enough for food and board for a night. He absolutely despised my conjuration wizards charm spell and ability to make objects with his Minor Conjuration talent. What’s more if he didn’t like where we were going this deux ex machina mist would appear and paralyze us all without a save. One time I attempted to use Dispel Magic on it, but i was told it had no effect.

One time he forgot to plan any encounters for our game, so the whole session was set in this luxury hot spring we couldn’t escape from for some reason. During my bath i had an idea and openly spoke to another player about robbing the spa, as it’s full of wealthy people. Obviously our DM heard this and started scribbling stuff down. I used my Minor Conjuration to make a beautiful sapphire necklace, put it on, and went to the front desk to ask where i could store valuables. The DM looks up from his notes, smiles, and asks me to follow him.

For the next 10 minutes he goes through the 15 step security scheme including; voice recognition, finger prints, retinal scan, blood offering, and several other tests and examination. Finally we get in the vault where he shows me a locker to put my necklace in. He seals it with a drop of blood and on the way out I inquire about the strength of the security, which he happily responds “It’s practically unbreakable.”

I waddle back to my other PC, get back in the hot springs, smile and tell them we’re about to make some money. The players looks at me with a confused expression and is like “how are we going to break in with all that security dude?” I replied “We won’t. We just go back in an hour when my necklace has disappeared and ask for compensation for my missing jewelry.”

I’ve never seen a DM’s expression change so fast.

(This is hilarious, but pro-tip, y’all - this is a BAD DM!)

(via geardrops)

dungeonsdonuts:

cracksandcraters:

bardicknowledgeblogger:

beachfox:

drackir:

crazy-pages:

purewriting:

digitaldiscipline:

anthraxlobster:

Free worldbuilding idea:

Wizards have the same trust in magic that software designers have in software, which is to say, almost none at all.

“Are you fucking kidding me I worked in a reagrent shop for a few years I don’t trust any of that stuff. Who the hell knows what other components are in the ashes.”

“Yeah I was in the circle that made Alston’s Divine Circle of Teleportation. There’s some pretty nasty corner cases you can get into but the headmaster published it without us. I just take ships. It’s way safer.”

“I call bullshit on that Necromancer channeling spirits of loved ones. What did he say he was using? ‘Medium Conduit Ruinic Circles’? That’s just a bunch of buzzwords slapped together, and they don’t even interact with each other.”

“I’ve been looking at this scroll all morning and I’m 90% sure that the scribe didn’t even look at the standard for pyromancies.”

“Help Desk, this is Gloriline, what did you fuck up this time?”
*indistinct vocals*
“Dave, I’ve seen the news, and, frankly, I can see the ash cloud from here. You paid for extended support, not enabling support.”

“I can’t get this fucking spell to work, Jane, can you look it?”

*passes a scroll* *a few moments of silence*

“I think you missed a bookend rune right here-”

“GODS DAMN IT! IT’S ALWAYS SHIT LIKE THAT! THANK YOU!” *angrily scribbles on parchment*

(It takes five more aggravatingly tiny adjustments before the spell works)

I don’t play wizards anymore because they’re too much like my day job.

Instead of a orb the wizard has a little statue of a duck he tells his spells to and then swears when he spots the obvious mistake.

You beat me to it! I was going to add that the reason why wizards and witches always have familiars around is so they can Rubber Duck at them until they realize what the mistake with their spell is!

Outsiders get it wrong and figure the familiars are somehow teaching spells to their owners, but no. It’s just explaining to Firewing what you’re trying to do with this teleportation matrix until you realize that you’ve been using telepathy crystals to power it the whole time like a FUCKING IDIOT!

@dmplz

@dungeonsdonuts I feel like this is how you would play a caster?

I have only played a wizard once, and yes, this is 100% how I would play a caster.

Unless it’s a warlock, in which case my patron is essentially a combination of Tech Support and Sugar Daddy.

(via big-tiddy-goth-ghoulfriend)

athenasdragon:

sufficientlylargen:

My understanding of D&D is that the GM has the power to make the next quest a heist, but the players control whether the background music for this heist will be the Pink Panther theme, the Mission Impossible theme, or the Benny Hill theme.

That’s it, that’s the game!

(via criticalrolo)

tankdyke:

princecharmingtobe:

tankdyke:

alexithetransformingknight:

tankdyke:

i wish bards weren’t turned into the jokey silly class of thots, for zero reason other than the fact that i cannot comprehend them being able to cast power word kill

They can cast power word kill???

according to roll20 they can

pompous skinny human man in puffy pants: anyways heres wonderwall [strums lute]

enemy barbarian: [dies instantly]

Obviously Power Word Kill is just Vicious Mockery turned up to 11. You insult them so hard they just die on the spot.

then hecklers at my sold-out fiddle performance of the year better be ready for my dumb face to be the last thing they see before the force of me saying “suck my balls you motherfucker” shatters their skull on impact

(via pike-the-monstah)

probablybadrpgideas:

probablybadrpgideas:

At the end of character creation, have every player roll a d100 for “plot reasons”.

When the game begins, reveal that the result is how many miles in the air the characters start the campaign at.

I have been informed that the edge of space is 50-62 miles off the ground, depending on which measurement you use.

In light of this new information, I will not be amending the post in any way.

(via jamesnotmadison)

BAD NEWS: none of us who create anything in any medium will ever as long as we live have a single better idea or even as good of an idea as what I’m about  to show you

midgardia:

randomencounters:

bogleech:

Encounter: Giant Shark Bowl Ooze

Since it doesn’t seem like anyone’s given an appropriate source for this wonderous monster…

You can find it in Kobold Press’s Creature Codex! That book and it’s predecessor, the Tome of Beasts, are awesome 3rd party monster addons that we wholeheartedly recommend!

(via taibhsearachd)

oceanlights:

tanfasticanna:

oceanlights:

cxntboy-drag-queen:

wlwhobbits:

Hey instead of a Harry Potter world there should be a lord of the rings world where it’s super immersive and you’re given a sword when you enter the world and giant spiders chase you and the elf actors eat dirt and offer you some

can we befriend and/or flirt with the giant spiders asking for a friend

It’s you’re adventure you can do whatever you want but watch out!

HI, THIS EXISTS, IT’S CALLED EVERMORE PARK, IT’S IN PLEASANT GROVE, UTAH

it’s more of a DND park but it’s fantasy and characters give you quests and when you finish quests they give you a tarot card with the characters on it

The town functions as a real-time story with a plot and everybody has backstory and movie-quality makeup and shit 

Guys I’ve been and it’s fucking unbelievable

(via geardrops)

fourletterepithet:

colonelfind-it:

colonelfind-it:

a dnd party of made up entirely of orc bards

an orchestra

NO

(via ekjohnston)